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Lockdown Coronavirus April 4th 2020

Well this is a turn up for the books,me blogging again. So hello everyone, you get to hear the weird things going on in my head. We are in a pandemic with the invisible covid 19. Over 1 million people worldwide infected.

So how am I coping, well under the strict orders, im 1 of the unfortunate 1.5 million people in the UK that has to self isolate for 12 weeks, and 3 weeks into this I’m lonely bored and sat in the same chair,most of the day. Luckily I have my own back garden, and I can walk up and down, today and tomorrow are going to be gorgeous sunny days,and all I can do it sit outside with no one around.

People say that these are our darkest times, At this point I’d like to be one of those that is out there helping others, I can’t physically, so I’ve offered my services to nhs to help with phone calls checking in with people just like me that cannot go out, I need to do something to help, I feel useless just sitting here. They accepted my application and I’m ready to go.

Things as I know it I mean normality will never be the same again in my life time, im 50 next year, and what have I achieved, a big fat nothing. I’m still in services, I’m registered blind, I dislike life,to the point that I’m existing, not living. My routine has changed, see when I was seeing my workers physically, it would prompt me to shower, and dress,now I stay in my pjs most of the day, video calls well I hate them but I have to take part. The things that have really helped I know it’s a cliche, but the fact people are asking me if I’m ok, the messages,the phone calls that last over 3 hours (thank you L) makes my day, it gives me a reason to want to live.

So what have I been doing, well putting on more weight, cos I’m constantly home, I’m eating more than usual. I can’t tell you the amount of clothes I’ve washed and rewashed just to pass the time. Watching tv and I need to stick to a schedule. Surprisingly I’m not sleeping during the day, for 2 reasons 1 reason is I’m only getting 1 month worth of meds a time, so I don’t wanna waste them on day time sleeping, and the other is my urge to carry on as normal, the question is what is normal?

This pandemic has sparked a light in me, the fact I was born to help people, it’s very evident that it’s what makes me tick, the thought I could be helping someone, even if it’s a hello or pre planned calls etc. I’ve noticed I’m even contacting my relatives that I haven’t spoken to in years. Just to say I’m here, not that I can physically do anything, but I’m here emotionally for anyone, no problem is too big or small.

My voices and bipolar yeh course they are still there, but somehow I’m finding the strength to block them out, although it’s not easy, when my care coordinator is now off work till June, see ordinarily I’ve would’ve gone ballistic about that, but I have to admit CH have really shone, they are checking to see if I’m ok, I have a communicator guide who also checks in with me weekly and gets shopping and what I need. Through some miracle, and I don’t wanna jinx this,but I am coping and I do wanna help, it’s not about me and my feelings, it’s about working together. Logistically it’s a night mare as I said I hate video calling, but there is nothing I can do.

When things get easier, I plan to try and do some of the things on my bucket list, it’s very boring my list, but I’d like at least to give it a try.

So I’m going to end this long short blog and say thank you to everyone that has called, liked my posts on fb anyone, thank you, you guys and your empathy are what is making me want to live.

Lastly whilst I don’t attend church and am not holy thou art, but in this instance I pray that whoever is up there looking down on us, that they may guide us to a place that’s slightly normal.

MR

What I need

I’m sharing this as my emotions are in overload right now in preparation for the this meeting on 12 th July. I want to just run I’m scared of outcome.

How have we got to this point? clearly somethings got to change, and I don’t know how to do it.

L, what exactly have you been assigned to me for, what am I working toward, why are you wasting time coming to me, when there are people that are unwell, me, I’m not unwell I’m just fucked up, see I want my journey with CH to be like new, because there is so much bad blood and fuck ups, CH have made in the past, I’m nervous. You come see me weekly, you know all my difficulties, you know my physical health triggers my mental health, and my physical health will never change, I need reassurance, someone the can challenge my warped way of thinking, because left to my own devices, I would be dead by now. I want my care coordinator to take some of my pressures of me to talk to me tell me if I’m wrong, I know you do that anyway, and it helps, I want her to listen and understand not to say I’m one of 30, because, that take me back to neglecting. I can’t deal with everyday stuff like talking to professionals, the council, offloading my ideation is high, don’t take that as a flippant comment, because when you say you do cope even f with Xanax that’s wrong. because I feel guilty. It’s true to admit you are one the better cpn I dealt with at C but saying the psychiatrist may not see me as I have a private one makes me think, the only reason you’re dealing with me is because you have to deal with scummy people like me! to deal with, I don’t think you’d be able to handle the real Maria. My goal is to have the ability, to regulate my emotions, my triggers, and I need help with my voices, my voices are louder than you. I have so much sadness in me, that I’ll die with all this guilt, guilt because I ‘know cygnet think I’m a lost cause , and I know that’s why T doesn’t want me, just like K, I know they are still there. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. Basically I need help periodically on how to manage life. And how,to live with these voices.

M, it’s true to say, that I’ve shared things with you, that I have never shared with anyone, I’m a Xanax taker, it help me cope with being an adult. You can’t cope with me, all these excuses that there are no keyworkers available for me, as I want don’t want a man, so it’s more difficult. I don’t even mind at this stage if you say to me maria, K is still here, we lied, but I know she is there. My goal is to accept, that there millions of Maria’s,in me, the most prominent being the child Maria, the child Maria hasn’t been allowed to truly tell you what she feels, the child Maria, doesn’t understand that sex doesn’t equal love, the adult Maria is smart and intelligent, but she doesn’t understand herself, see the adult Maria is so physically damaged that she too scared to even have a shower. The child needs to be heard, she want to be heard love and respected, but the child Maria doesn’t exist, because the little Maria is so traumatised. The adult Maria won’t be normal she can’t have relationships unless she told wow great Maria. I don’t want praise I hate to when people say oh see your done well. The any Maria all she wants is acceptance a safe space to talk and mostly she needs to go through her adolescent and teen age years, to explore her feelings, only then can she move in, until then, she stuck, and just need a human hug occasionally from her real friends.

I’m sensitive, I’m paranoid and yes death would be easier I have no quality except my best friends, my Xanax, my suicide plans, which I do read almost daily, and death. Thinking about these makes me feel strong.

And mostly I want you both not to be complacent about my knowledge and intellect. That’s a mask. I’m ultra sensitive and hate meeting known people.

The plan

1 less outburst weekly

No sarcasm

Xanax stays same

And empathy, from all my professionals.

Thx

Maria

A thought

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down! -author unknown

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Maria the drug addict

Hi everyone I thought I’d start blogging again, You may look at the heading and think wtf, but I’d like you to read and be impartial to this. So as long as I can remember I’ve always had problems sleeping, anxiety has never been a;issue with me up until about 18 months ago, I mean my anxiety is not that bad as my prescribed meds ssri help. So back to my sleeping I remember being 8 years old and downing a bottle of night nurse in 2 days as I couldn’t sleep, so as I said sleep is an issue for me. As I got older and not wiser I tried everything to help me sleep the only thing that helped was z meds, but my gp would only prescribe 14 tabs a month, and of course this wasn’t enough so I had to find another way, believe me I’ve tried herbal, cbt and anti histamine meds, nothing worked. Eventually through a miracle my doc fucked up and started giving me 28 days of z meds omg OMG I was in heaven. But that’s when I got into real trouble 28 weren’t enough anymore I was taking up to 3 a night. Oh fuck I thought would do I do now. So I started buying my z meds online, I could buy as many as I wanted no questions asked, I was anonymous and of course I didn’t tell anyone, these were the days before I was diagnosed with bipolar. Aside from z meds I was also bulk buying xanax which is 20 times stronger than diazapam. Anyway one day I realised I’d taken 100 xanax in 7 days fuck no way I thought. But the euphoria I got taking them was out of this world. Several months later I abruptly stopped all my meds and went through the worst withdrawal ever, I thought I was dying, I didn’t taper them I’d run out and mis calculated, had none left and went through this. I was so ill I vowed never to take xanax again if I ever made it out alive. Roll on a few month, I still take z meds for sleep 1.5 per night, but I was really psychotic one day and bang I’m sectioned under mh act. So no meds given to me until I was assessed properly no z meds to help me sleep, I was going mad and got really unwell during this time. I was diagnosed with bipolar rapid cycling. My meds keep changing, I managed to hold down a job for 2 years but eventually I couldn’t cope, and I done the worst thing possible I went to see a private psychiatrist who did help with my bipolar I was less angry, but guess what he prescribed me with xanax again, the temptation was too great to say no. I’m addicted to xanax and am scared of withdrawal again. I try and be sensible and not over use, but I’m still addicted, I knew this eventually would stop working. Mmm what would I do next, so I started smoking weed to help me sleep as well as I have sleep apnoea, really dangerous. I to,d my private psychiatrist about my sleep disorder. Now it’s 2018,I’m addicted to xanax, weed I can take it or leave it, has not effect on me really. So I’ve become a drug addict through the years, you may not think it to look at me, but drug dependence alcohol and other drugs are very easy to get addicted too. I always assumed drug addicts were people you saw at night, never did I think it would be me. It was at this point again I knew I needed professional help, and as I was in the mental health merry go round, my care coordinator suggested cgl. Erm my words who are they, is it another hi my name is Maria I’m addicted to benzodiazepines, it was weird a first, my first key worker left after a few weeks, my second key worker left after me disclosing sexual abuse I was enduring, well I was so upset I was devastated, I’d never told anyone about what I divulged to her, and she left, yeh I know shit happens people move on, but me I take things like this personally, it’s my fault, she’s still this company but hides when she knows I have an appointment, that’s what goes on in my mind even 18 even 18 months later. and then I got my third, well you can imagine am I gonna trust these idiots now. Erm no, So this key worker, well I thought, I’m gonna give you so much shit to deal with, and then prove to myself I was right, as a bipolar I manipulate too, I’m astute and intelligent. So we start these new sessions, fuck me guys, I gave her so much shit, yet she remained calm and challenged my thinking, never raising her voice, it took me months to trust her,I still don’t till now, that’s a defensive mechanism, we spoke about my drug abuse, I opened up, and she was the connection between me and my mh team, I asked her to come to meetings at mh. From then on I knew I wanted to get well, but see I’m depressed I self medicate and then feel worse, I od cos I need attention. But but but I would say this to I’ve accepted I’m a recovering addict, without their help I know I’d be dead. I’ve still a long way to go but yeh I’m so glad I stuck to it. Don’t try and detox alone, don’t be afraid to ask for help, these guys are so supportive and even helped me talk to my gp. Update May 18 I’m still giving them a lot of shit, my mh has got worse, I tapered myself properly twice and then I go back to my emotional crutch. There will be day that I’ll od accidentally or stop. I pray it’s the latter. I have a new mate, she smokes weed all-time, I think is that’s fuck all compared to the concoction of drugs I take daily. I keep getting advice to go to support groups, Does anyone have experience of support groups, I find them boring, a bit like cbt, just boring sitting there when I could be sleeping, helping others, people that are really ill. I’m not ill my situation is self made

Wow nearly a year. Please note there are trigger warning of death and sexual theme.

Well hello, can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since my last post. Today I felt I need to reach out and rant. I hope you find this helpful. Umm where do I start. Ok so I moved into my new flat in July, a council flat. It’s lovely, but those of you that know me will know that some words hurt, I told my friends I got this flat and most people were happy, but unfortunately I can’t forget what was relayed to me oh you got this flat and so many others need it, this because my parents are well off, this is my only memory now associated with my flat, and as a result, it’s made me now question everything including why some get endless amountf non urgent surgery at a click of their fingers, why they get good benefits and their house paid for depicted not have worked for the past 20 years or more, I mean is that fair?? I’ve became angry and resentful to people that sponge of the government and have no conscience, you could say that this was a huge trigger for me. How dare anyone question or moan about me getting a council flat, I’m afraid that something I’ll never forget.ive paid and worked for 27 years plus, can everyone say that that’s been awarded a council flat. As we speak I’m getting a meeting with ccg to discuss this all the perks of getting free healthcare, it’s not fair or right. I feel that I’ve had to avoid certain triggers, so choose to stay alone it’s safer. I’m not sure what to say, therapy is exhausting and I’m even ashamed of that because I have bpd I have to justify have therapy. As some think they’re missing out. Attention seekers who’s only please is going to the doctors or clinic. Grr. Then there’s jealousy people saying things like oh so and so came see me for a coffee, thinking it’ll get me jealous ha ha.ive had to put up with a lot I really have when I was well and could drive everyone wanted to know me, now I can’t well it’s fuck off, that’s fine because as bad as it get for me I’ll never let myself get to a stage where I crave as much attention. I feel empty and anxious, I feel excited and nervous. I wish I was promiscuous and slept around, I wish I could die right now so I wouldn’t have to deal with bullshitters, but I do. Next week I have a job interview so should be exciting but I don’t care if I get it, I don’t care about anything or anyone, I just wish right now I was up there. Thanks for readying x

Justice and conclusion

For those of you that know me, you’ll know used to work for the charity that used to rock….. Then injustice after injustice I left. I’ve been fighting for nearly one year to get my voice heard, and today after battle upon battle, an apology from the ceo…. I feel proud I didn’t give up my fight and I feel even better that lessons have been learnt. What has upset me is that it took me to walk away from this job for them to listen and change. Thank you God for never giving up on me…

Here are some extracts of my apology.

 

It is clear that you have found the whole situation (the process, attitudes and timescale) distressing, and I am sorry for the part the organisation may have played in this and it is clear that addressing some of the issues more effectively may have led to an earlier resolution.

However, the Investigating Officer found no evidence that there had been any breach of policy or procedures in relation to the complaint. This is not to say that there are no lessons to be learned; I acknowledge that there is learning around the style and tone adopted which can create disharmony in some teams. In this vein I think it is clear that we could have responded more sensitively to your concerns about the Christmas meal and the diary mix up making the Locality Manager very late for the meting to resolve the issue. I would therefore apologise for this and how this may have impacted on your feelings.

In relation to the specific complaints:-

1. Christmas Meal: It is acknowledged that this was poorly handled but was not aimed at making you or other bank workers feel devalued. Wider evidence suggests that bank workers in the service do feel involved and valued. By the very nature of the role bank workers do fill in for substantive post holders, but this does not devalue the role.

2. On-call: It is acknowledged that the manager may have adopted a jovial/flippant tone which was open to misinterpretation. We have also changed practice in that bank workers are involved in supervision sessions at the service and that this is as a direct result of your intervention. However there will always be occasions when bank workers have to cover shifts to allow staff to attend meetings.

3.Late for meeting: It is clear that the Locality Manager was not late, rather she had not been informed of the meeting and dropped everything when she was made aware. I do apologise that the organisation’s administrative systems failed on this instance and that this wasn’t better communicated to you.

4.Assault: People’s recollection of the exact process followed isn’t complete and I am therefore content to conclude that you should have been involved in the de-brief.

In conclusion I would apologies for any distress caused and to assure you that a number of lessons have been learned locally. It is also acknowledged that you have shown a strong commitment to supporting our cause and beneficiaries.

This is a very big step for me, I did make a difference and finally I was listened to, and my commitment has been acknowledged.

The moral never give up on your passion, and stand up for what’s right. I needed this for my own closure.

Maria x 

 

Missed chances.

Trigger warnings – death

Somewhere I took the wrong turn in my life, you see at my age being from a large Italian family, I should’ve been married with kids now, and maybe grandkids too. Well I broke the mould and it didn’t happen. Today of all days I feel it more, it being Mother’s Day. Sure I would’ve been a crap mum, I know that but I kinda missed my turn, and now it’s too late and I’m too unwell. I do like kids. My upbringing was strict you know no sex before marriage etc, which to a point I may agree, I do believe in my religion, I know there is a god, and on my darkest days, I pray. This isn’t a blog about religion it’s about me and my feelings. I feel empty, I feel angry and most of all I feel alone and scared. I talk about my feelings, I’ve learnt to be friends with the voices in my head, they keep me company when I need them. Some days I feel brave and like myself, most days I wish I wouldn’t wake up. My therapist says I need people around me that can enrich my life, most of the time I’m arguing of trying to justify why I get the treatment I do. I have been sectioned before, and when I have people say oh you get so much help etc, believe me love you are not missing out on anything! I wouldn’t wish what I go through daily on anyone. Last week I was driving through my town and an accident had happened, an elderly lady had fallen, instinct told me stop the car and help her, so I did, something was drawing me to help this lady. She was ok, face covered in blood etc, I stayed with her and held her hand till help arrived. The strange thing is that I wouldn’t of been so accommodating had that been my mum. Yes I know it’s wrong, but it’s true. I love my mum as much as I hate her. Very fine line isn’t there. I’m destined to be alone, I prefer it that way. Now I need to device do I continue with my daily battle and let the voices win, or do I fight them with the right kinda people around me…….  Thanks for reading xxx m

Manic and scared

I’m scared a poem by me. I’m scared of waking up every day with the feeling of dread, and knowing at some point during the day I’m bound to see red. I’m scared of feeling scared so it’s easier to stay in my bed. I’m scared of feeling numb, and know I need a kick up the bum. I’m scared of my anger and rage, and pray today I’d of turned that page. But most of all I’m scared of losing my smile, cos I know it’ll be a while. I’m scared of losing my sense of humour cos I’m paranoid about that rumour. I’m scared of being me and never drinking my favourite cup of tea.