Missed chances.

Trigger warnings – death

Somewhere I took the wrong turn in my life, you see at my age being from a large Italian family, I should’ve been married with kids now, and maybe grandkids too. Well I broke the mould and it didn’t happen. Today of all days I feel it more, it being Mother’s Day. Sure I would’ve been a crap mum, I know that but I kinda missed my turn, and now it’s too late and I’m too unwell. I do like kids. My upbringing was strict you know no sex before marriage etc, which to a point I may agree, I do believe in my religion, I know there is a god, and on my darkest days, I pray. This isn’t a blog about religion it’s about me and my feelings. I feel empty, I feel angry and most of all I feel alone and scared. I talk about my feelings, I’ve learnt to be friends with the voices in my head, they keep me company when I need them. Some days I feel brave and like myself, most days I wish I wouldn’t wake up. My therapist says I need people around me that can enrich my life, most of the time I’m arguing of trying to justify why I get the treatment I do. I have been sectioned before, and when I have people say oh you get so much help etc, believe me love you are not missing out on anything! I wouldn’t wish what I go through daily on anyone. Last week I was driving through my town and an accident had happened, an elderly lady had fallen, instinct told me stop the car and help her, so I did, something was drawing me to help this lady. She was ok, face covered in blood etc, I stayed with her and held her hand till help arrived. The strange thing is that I wouldn’t of been so accommodating had that been my mum. Yes I know it’s wrong, but it’s true. I love my mum as much as I hate her. Very fine line isn’t there. I’m destined to be alone, I prefer it that way. Now I need to device do I continue with my daily battle and let the voices win, or do I fight them with the right kinda people around me…….  Thanks for reading xxx m

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About Maria

Me I'm a confused woman, who keeps making the same mistakes. Feel lost and broken.
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One Response to Missed chances.

  1. Dennis says:

    I hear you and I understand much more than you might understand.
    My life has been a succession of mistakes, wrong turns and errors, from two days before my 10th birthday up until this time, I’ve got family but no family of my own so nobody really to leave a bequest or inheritance to apart from nieces and nephews.
    I’d cry but what’s the point of that, nobody would understand the pain within me that lingers whilst eating away inside me.

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