Maria the drug addict

Hi everyone I thought I’d start blogging again, You may look at the heading and think wtf, but I’d like you to read and be impartial to this. So as long as I can remember I’ve always had problems sleeping, anxiety has never been a;issue with me up until about 18 months ago, I mean my anxiety is not that bad as my prescribed meds ssri help. So back to my sleeping I remember being 8 years old and downing a bottle of night nurse in 2 days as I couldn’t sleep, so as I said sleep is an issue for me. As I got older and not wiser I tried everything to help me sleep the only thing that helped was z meds, but my gp would only prescribe 14 tabs a month, and of course this wasn’t enough so I had to find another way, believe me I’ve tried herbal, cbt and anti histamine meds, nothing worked. Eventually through a miracle my doc fucked up and started giving me 28 days of z meds omg OMG I was in heaven. But that’s when I got into real trouble 28 weren’t enough anymore I was taking up to 3 a night. Oh fuck I thought would do I do now. So I started buying my z meds online, I could buy as many as I wanted no questions asked, I was anonymous and of course I didn’t tell anyone, these were the days before I was diagnosed with bipolar. Aside from z meds I was also bulk buying xanax which is 20 times stronger than diazapam. Anyway one day I realised I’d taken 100 xanax in 7 days fuck no way I thought. But the euphoria I got taking them was out of this world. Several months later I abruptly stopped all my meds and went through the worst withdrawal ever, I thought I was dying, I didn’t taper them I’d run out and mis calculated, had none left and went through this. I was so ill I vowed never to take xanax again if I ever made it out alive. Roll on a few month, I still take z meds for sleep 1.5 per night, but I was really psychotic one day and bang I’m sectioned under mh act. So no meds given to me until I was assessed properly no z meds to help me sleep, I was going mad and got really unwell during this time. I was diagnosed with bipolar rapid cycling. My meds keep changing, I managed to hold down a job for 2 years but eventually I couldn’t cope, and I done the worst thing possible I went to see a private psychiatrist who did help with my bipolar I was less angry, but guess what he prescribed me with xanax again, the temptation was too great to say no. I’m addicted to xanax and am scared of withdrawal again. I try and be sensible and not over use, but I’m still addicted, I knew this eventually would stop working. Mmm what would I do next, so I started smoking weed to help me sleep as well as I have sleep apnoea, really dangerous. I to,d my private psychiatrist about my sleep disorder. Now it’s 2018,I’m addicted to xanax, weed I can take it or leave it, has not effect on me really. So I’ve become a drug addict through the years, you may not think it to look at me, but drug dependence alcohol and other drugs are very easy to get addicted too. I always assumed drug addicts were people you saw at night, never did I think it would be me. It was at this point again I knew I needed professional help, and as I was in the mental health merry go round, my care coordinator suggested cgl. Erm my words who are they, is it another hi my name is Maria I’m addicted to benzodiazepines, it was weird a first, my first key worker left after a few weeks, my second key worker left after me disclosing sexual abuse I was enduring, well I was so upset I was devastated, I’d never told anyone about what I divulged to her, and she left, yeh I know shit happens people move on, but me I take things like this personally, it’s my fault, she’s still this company but hides when she knows I have an appointment, that’s what goes on in my mind even 18 even 18 months later. and then I got my third, well you can imagine am I gonna trust these idiots now. Erm no, So this key worker, well I thought, I’m gonna give you so much shit to deal with, and then prove to myself I was right, as a bipolar I manipulate too, I’m astute and intelligent. So we start these new sessions, fuck me guys, I gave her so much shit, yet she remained calm and challenged my thinking, never raising her voice, it took me months to trust her,I still don’t till now, that’s a defensive mechanism, we spoke about my drug abuse, I opened up, and she was the connection between me and my mh team, I asked her to come to meetings at mh. From then on I knew I wanted to get well, but see I’m depressed I self medicate and then feel worse, I od cos I need attention. But but but I would say this to I’ve accepted I’m a recovering addict, without their help I know I’d be dead. I’ve still a long way to go but yeh I’m so glad I stuck to it. Don’t try and detox alone, don’t be afraid to ask for help, these guys are so supportive and even helped me talk to my gp. Update May 18 I’m still giving them a lot of shit, my mh has got worse, I tapered myself properly twice and then I go back to my emotional crutch. There will be day that I’ll od accidentally or stop. I pray it’s the latter. I have a new bf. He smokes weed all I think is that’s fuck all compared to the concoction of drugs I take daily. I keep getting advice to go to support groups, Does anyone have experience of support groups, I find them boring, a bit like cbt, just boring sitting there when I could be sleeping, helping others, people that are really ill. I’m not ill my situation is self made


About Maria

Me I'm a confused woman, who keeps making the same mistakes. Feel lost and broken.
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2 Responses to Maria the drug addict

  1. Carol Ekins says:

    Oh poor you, Maria. Big gentle hug n am praying for you. X

  2. Maria says:

    Thanks carol, it’s really becoming difficult at times. Thanks for your lovely comments as always. X

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