Missed chances.

Trigger warnings – death

Somewhere I took the wrong turn in my life, you see at my age being from a large Italian family, I should’ve been married with kids now, and maybe grandkids too. Well I broke the mould and it didn’t happen. Today of all days I feel it more, it being Mother’s Day. Sure I would’ve been a crap mum, I know that but I kinda missed my turn, and now it’s too late and I’m too unwell. I do like kids. My upbringing was strict you know no sex before marriage etc, which to a point I may agree, I do believe in my religion, I know there is a god, and on my darkest days, I pray. This isn’t a blog about religion it’s about me and my feelings. I feel empty, I feel angry and most of all I feel alone and scared. I talk about my feelings, I’ve learnt to be friends with the voices in my head, they keep me company when I need them. Some days I feel brave and like myself, most days I wish I wouldn’t wake up. My therapist says I need people around me that can enrich my life, most of the time I’m arguing of trying to justify why I get the treatment I do. I have been sectioned before, and when I have people say oh you get so much help etc, believe me love you are not missing out on anything! I wouldn’t wish what I go through daily on anyone. Last week I was driving through my town and an accident had happened, an elderly lady had fallen, instinct told me stop the car and help her, so I did, something was drawing me to help this lady. She was ok, face covered in blood etc, I stayed with her and held her hand till help arrived. The strange thing is that I wouldn’t of been so accommodating had that been my mum. Yes I know it’s wrong, but it’s true. I love my mum as much as I hate her. Very fine line isn’t there. I’m destined to be alone, I prefer it that way. Now I need to device do I continue with my daily battle and let the voices win, or do I fight them with the right kinda people around me…….  Thanks for reading xxx m

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