I’m sharing this as my emotions are in overload right now in preparation for the this meeting on 12 th July. I want to just run I’m scared of outcome.
How have we got to this point? clearly somethings got to change, and I don’t know how to do it.
L, what exactly have you been assigned to me for, what am I working toward, why are you wasting time coming to me, when there are people that are unwell, me, I’m not unwell I’m just fucked up, see I want my journey with CH to be like new, because there is so much bad blood and fuck ups, CH have made in the past, I’m nervous. You come see me weekly, you know all my difficulties, you know my physical health triggers my mental health, and my physical health will never change, I need reassurance, someone the can challenge my warped way of thinking, because left to my own devices, I would be dead by now. I want my care coordinator to take some of my pressures of me to talk to me tell me if I’m wrong, I know you do that anyway, and it helps, I want her to listen and understand not to say I’m one of 30, because, that take me back to neglecting. I can’t deal with everyday stuff like talking to professionals, the council, offloading my ideation is high, don’t take that as a flippant comment, because when you say you do cope even f with Xanax that’s wrong. because I feel guilty. It’s true to admit you are one the better cpn I dealt with at C but saying the psychiatrist may not see me as I have a private one makes me think, the only reason you’re dealing with me is because you have to deal with scummy people like me! to deal with, I don’t think you’d be able to handle the real Maria. My goal is to have the ability, to regulate my emotions, my triggers, and I need help with my voices, my voices are louder than you. I have so much sadness in me, that I’ll die with all this guilt, guilt because I ‘know cygnet think I’m a lost cause , and I know that’s why T doesn’t want me, just like K, I know they are still there. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. Basically I need help periodically on how to manage life. And how,to live with these voices.
M, it’s true to say, that I’ve shared things with you, that I have never shared with anyone, I’m a Xanax taker, it help me cope with being an adult. You can’t cope with me, all these excuses that there are no keyworkers available for me, as I want don’t want a man, so it’s more difficult. I don’t even mind at this stage if you say to me maria, K is still here, we lied, but I know she is there. My goal is to accept, that there millions of Maria’s,in me, the most prominent being the child Maria, the child Maria hasn’t been allowed to truly tell you what she feels, the child Maria, doesn’t understand that sex doesn’t equal love, the adult Maria is smart and intelligent, but she doesn’t understand herself, see the adult Maria is so physically damaged that she too scared to even have a shower. The child needs to be heard, she want to be heard love and respected, but the child Maria doesn’t exist, because the little Maria is so traumatised. The adult Maria won’t be normal she can’t have relationships unless she told wow great Maria. I don’t want praise I hate to when people say oh see your done well. The any Maria all she wants is acceptance a safe space to talk and mostly she needs to go through her adolescent and teen age years, to explore her feelings, only then can she move in, until then, she stuck, and just need a human hug occasionally from her real friends.
I’m sensitive, I’m paranoid and yes death would be easier I have no quality except my best friends, my Xanax, my suicide plans, which I do read almost daily, and death. Thinking about these makes me feel strong.
And mostly I want you both not to be complacent about my knowledge and intellect. That’s a mask. I’m ultra sensitive and hate meeting known people.
1 less outburst weekly
Xanax stays same
And empathy, from all my professionals.