Wow nearly a year. Please note there are trigger warning of death and sexual theme.

Well hello, can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since my last post. Today I felt I need to reach out and rant. I hope you find this helpful. Umm where do I start. Ok so I moved into my new flat in July, a council flat. It’s lovely, but those of you that know me will know that some words hurt, I told my friends I got this flat and most people were happy, but unfortunately I can’t forget what was relayed to me oh you got this flat and so many others need it, this because my parents are well off, this is my only memory now associated with my flat, and as a result, it’s made me now question everything including why some get endless amountf non urgent surgery at a click of their fingers, why they get good benefits and their house paid for depicted not have worked for the past 20 years or more, I mean is that fair?? I’ve became angry and resentful to people that sponge of the government and have no conscience, you could say that this was a huge trigger for me. How dare anyone question or moan about me getting a council flat, I’m afraid that something I’ll never forget.ive paid and worked for 27 years plus, can everyone say that that’s been awarded a council flat. As we speak I’m getting a meeting with ccg to discuss this all the perks of getting free healthcare, it’s not fair or right. I feel that I’ve had to avoid certain triggers, so choose to stay alone it’s safer. I’m not sure what to say, therapy is exhausting and I’m even ashamed of that because I have bpd I have to justify have therapy. As some think they’re missing out. Attention seekers who’s only please is going to the doctors or clinic. Grr. Then there’s jealousy people saying things like oh so and so came see me for a coffee, thinking it’ll get me jealous ha ha.ive had to put up with a lot I really have when I was well and could drive everyone wanted to know me, now I can’t well it’s fuck off, that’s fine because as bad as it get for me I’ll never let myself get to a stage where I crave as much attention. I feel empty and anxious, I feel excited and nervous. I wish I was promiscuous and slept around, I wish I could die right now so I wouldn’t have to deal with bullshitters, but I do. Next week I have a job interview so should be exciting but I don’t care if I get it, I don’t care about anything or anyone, I just wish right now I was up there. Thanks for readying x

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Justice and conclusion

For those of you that know me, you’ll know used to work for the charity that used to rock….. Then injustice after injustice I left. I’ve been fighting for nearly one year to get my voice heard, and today after battle upon battle, an apology from the ceo…. I feel proud I didn’t give up my fight and I feel even better that lessons have been learnt. What has upset me is that it took me to walk away from this job for them to listen and change. Thank you God for never giving up on me…

Here are some extracts of my apology.

 

It is clear that you have found the whole situation (the process, attitudes and timescale) distressing, and I am sorry for the part the organisation may have played in this and it is clear that addressing some of the issues more effectively may have led to an earlier resolution.

However, the Investigating Officer found no evidence that there had been any breach of policy or procedures in relation to the complaint. This is not to say that there are no lessons to be learned; I acknowledge that there is learning around the style and tone adopted which can create disharmony in some teams. In this vein I think it is clear that we could have responded more sensitively to your concerns about the Christmas meal and the diary mix up making the Locality Manager very late for the meting to resolve the issue. I would therefore apologise for this and how this may have impacted on your feelings.

In relation to the specific complaints:-

1. Christmas Meal: It is acknowledged that this was poorly handled but was not aimed at making you or other bank workers feel devalued. Wider evidence suggests that bank workers in the service do feel involved and valued. By the very nature of the role bank workers do fill in for substantive post holders, but this does not devalue the role.

2. On-call: It is acknowledged that the manager may have adopted a jovial/flippant tone which was open to misinterpretation. We have also changed practice in that bank workers are involved in supervision sessions at the service and that this is as a direct result of your intervention. However there will always be occasions when bank workers have to cover shifts to allow staff to attend meetings.

3.Late for meeting: It is clear that the Locality Manager was not late, rather she had not been informed of the meeting and dropped everything when she was made aware. I do apologise that the organisation’s administrative systems failed on this instance and that this wasn’t better communicated to you.

4.Assault: People’s recollection of the exact process followed isn’t complete and I am therefore content to conclude that you should have been involved in the de-brief.

In conclusion I would apologies for any distress caused and to assure you that a number of lessons have been learned locally. It is also acknowledged that you have shown a strong commitment to supporting our cause and beneficiaries.


This is a very big step for me, I did make a difference and finally I was listened to, and my commitment has been acknowledged.


The moral never give up on your passion, and stand up for what’s right. I needed this for my own closure.


Maria x 

 

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Missed chances.

Trigger warnings – death

Somewhere I took the wrong turn in my life, you see at my age being from a large Italian family, I should’ve been married with kids now, and maybe grandkids too. Well I broke the mould and it didn’t happen. Today of all days I feel it more, it being Mother’s Day. Sure I would’ve been a crap mum, I know that but I kinda missed my turn, and now it’s too late and I’m too unwell. I do like kids. My upbringing was strict you know no sex before marriage etc, which to a point I may agree, I do believe in my religion, I know there is a god, and on my darkest days, I pray. This isn’t a blog about religion it’s about me and my feelings. I feel empty, I feel angry and most of all I feel alone and scared. I talk about my feelings, I’ve learnt to be friends with the voices in my head, they keep me company when I need them. Some days I feel brave and like myself, most days I wish I wouldn’t wake up. My therapist says I need people around me that can enrich my life, most of the time I’m arguing of trying to justify why I get the treatment I do. I have been sectioned before, and when I have people say oh you get so much help etc, believe me love you are not missing out on anything! I wouldn’t wish what I go through daily on anyone. Last week I was driving through my town and an accident had happened, an elderly lady had fallen, instinct told me stop the car and help her, so I did, something was drawing me to help this lady. She was ok, face covered in blood etc, I stayed with her and held her hand till help arrived. The strange thing is that I wouldn’t of been so accommodating had that been my mum. Yes I know it’s wrong, but it’s true. I love my mum as much as I hate her. Very fine line isn’t there. I’m destined to be alone, I prefer it that way. Now I need to device do I continue with my daily battle and let the voices win, or do I fight them with the right kinda people around me…….  Thanks for reading xxx m

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Manic and scared

I’m scared a poem by me. I’m scared of waking up every day with the feeling of dread, and knowing at some point during the day I’m bound to see red. I’m scared of feeling scared so it’s easier to stay in my bed. I’m scared of feeling numb, and know I need a kick up the bum. I’m scared of my anger and rage, and pray today I’d of turned that page. But most of all I’m scared of losing my smile, cos I know it’ll be a while. I’m scared of losing my sense of humour cos I’m paranoid about that rumour. I’m scared of being me and never drinking my favourite cup of tea.

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Time to get help.

I’ve been on this mission in the past you in my head to not let anyone take advantage of me, lately with all this rethink fiasco my thoughts and feelings aren’t working right. It’s like I’m in a fighting ring, if I get looked at in the wrong way, or spoken to in the wrong way, or shall I say what I perceive to be wrong I just wanna prove that I’m not a mug and you can’t walk all over me. I’m constantly looking out for wrong looks or words said to me and I’m ready. To be honest I’m frightened because I know I have no limits now, and I also know I will get hurt/arrested etc if I’m not helped. I’m constantly arguing, wanting to pick fights not randomly but it’s like if someone sat in my seat on a train I booked, and they taken the ticket off, my first thought is they’re taking the piss to try and fool me, I need to be one step ahead. I’m convinced that people are always trying to get one up on me, this turns me into a monster. I have no control in this thinking. The anger is crippling me mentally, the paranoid ideation are so bad that I will end up really hurt, every day I get into some sort of row with a stranger, cos I feel they’re trying to pull a fast one over me. The verbal aggression is bad, I can’t count to ten anyone before I shout. It’s like this new Maria is emerging that’s a devil. I either idolise you or hate you. I spend my day mulling over who said what etc etc, and my evening having panic attacks for fear of the following day. The new Maria though is sensible with money, I no longer wait for red bills, pay all my bills on time and have virtually no debts. The new Maria can be the nicest person you’ll ever meet, but she can also be the woman from hell. The new Maria scares me too. x

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The mental health charity that ignored my pleas, the job that left me feeling vulnerable with no support from them. 

this time last year I was buzzing wow I’d been accepted at a high profile mental health charity, I was on cloud nine. My dream had come true the charity that saved me now accepted me to work with them wow man I was in heaven. The manager that interviewed me yeh I thought I’m gonna learn so much from this woman, and boy did I learn shit loads in the year she managed me, I learnt that this charity do not treat all staff the same, in her service if your face fits you were safe, mine didn’t….  I was given a short sharp lesson in discrimination from this lovely manager from that charity that rocks that employed me, man did I learn the hard way. For the first 5 months, I bit my tongue and said nothing, I took her shit, her constant embarrassing in front of my colleagues or telling me off, her lack of empathy to me, not the inspiring moto you’re probably thinking, but yes you see in her eyes I was JUST A BANK WORKER!! A face of promotion for them. Of course the problem with suppressing something is eventually it will have to surface and in my case it did, and I had a chat with her about how I felt, and thought yeh great things are gonna be better, they got worse….. So my fighting spirit had gone, my spark had gone. The charity I loved, the job I loved doing I couldn’t do I couldn’t, so I took matters into my own hands and went straight to the top, I contacted her boss. At first her boss seemed offish, he says there’s procedures you can go through. I know that I say, Im asking for help I’ve been with you as a volunteer many years and I have a serious complaint, his reply was no one else has made complaints about her. Well really that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. In the past year I’ve started to develop anxiety, I’ve never suffered with anxiety all my life but since working with her I feel bullied by her.  Anyway the conclusion of this story is I’ve left the charity that claims to care, I tried to get  another job, and guess what they given me such a bad reference. HR refuse to answer me back. You rocked my world, now I need support to allay my worries. My health has deteriorated  and I’m being passed from pillar to post. At least I know the real meaning of discrimination now.  I used to believe in you and what that charity does, unfortunately I have been left vulnerable with no support and really confused, and the worst part this manager has already refused a meeting with me to discuss.  I wanted to share my story because, I don’t have any support and I’m fighting this battle alone. As I write I have been awaiting 11 weeks for a meeting with this manager with no dates, no support from HR, Great isn’t it….. 

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