Time to get help.

I’ve been on this mission in the past you in my head to not let anyone take advantage of me, lately with all this rethink fiasco my thoughts and feelings aren’t working right. It’s like I’m in a fighting ring, if I get looked at in the wrong way, or spoken to in the wrong way, or shall I say what I perceive to be wrong I just wanna prove that I’m not a mug and you can’t walk all over me. I’m constantly looking out for wrong looks or words said to me and I’m ready. To be honest I’m frightened because I know I have no limits now, and I also know I will get hurt/arrested etc if I’m not helped. I’m constantly arguing, wanting to pick fights not randomly but it’s like if someone sat in my seat on a train I booked, and they taken the ticket off, my first thought is they’re taking the piss to try and fool me, I need to be one step ahead. I’m convinced that people are always trying to get one up on me, this turns me into a monster. I have no control in this thinking. The anger is crippling me mentally, the paranoid ideation are so bad that I will end up really hurt, every day I get into some sort of row with a stranger, cos I feel they’re trying to pull a fast one over me. The verbal aggression is bad, I can’t count to ten anyone before I shout. It’s like this new Maria is emerging that’s a devil. I either idolise you or hate you. I spend my day mulling over who said what etc etc, and my evening having panic attacks for fear of the following day. The new Maria though is sensible with money, I no longer wait for red bills, pay all my bills on time and have virtually no debts. The new Maria can be the nicest person you’ll ever meet, but she can also be the woman from hell. The new Maria scares me too. x

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About Maria

Me I'm a confused woman, who keeps making the same mistakes. Feel lost and broken.
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