Latest instalment of Maria

Well hello, I’m back. Ok 3 weeks since last blog, and so much has happened. Where to I start?

So I got offered the job at the company in the midlands, and I was umming and rrrring, but I’ve decided to accept, as I write I’m still waiting for confirmation email. I had the meeting last week, saw the potential new property and company etc, I got a good feeling about it. I’m so nervous though, a new town, new people, I hope that the old Maria never travels with me. They want me to start end of September, but I don’t think it’s possible in short space if time. I wouldn’t have even got to this point last year.

So in the past 3 weeks, I’ve booked a holiday to Spain, 10th September. I’ve also started repairing friendships that I fucked up in the past due to my lies, and somehow I just know that these people’s influences will remain with me for life, I can’t ever thank them enough for helping me in the right path, I gave them hell bitched and was a nasty shithead, yet still they gave me a chance. Nothing’s certain in life but I know I won’t make the same mistake again, some people are just too important to lose twice. Thank you T, H, F,M and K. I love you all.

These guys have taught me the values of respect and most importantly, in life you will lose friends for doing what’s morally right, but you’ll never lose your self respect for doing the right thing, surely you liking you is more important than anything isn’t it.

So today was my session my psychologist, I had a feeling today was gonna be tough, but I underestimated just how tough, I haven’t cried like that in years, and once you start you just can’t stop. We spoke about my weirdness, my weird condition in so much detail, that I shocked myself, she makes it easy, she reassures me, but most of all she has empathy. I told her I’m scared to be alone with Elliott, I’m scared to allow him to touch me, I’m scared to even kiss him, cos I fear it will lead to sex. I have it which isn’t normal. Sometimes I just want a hug, I just wanna feel protected.

So now I’ve been thinking about how to write today’s blog, and the words are flowing actually.

I think I’ve tired myself out so much in the past month, every week I’ve been volunteering or training with rethink and time to change, last weekend I was in Chelmsford, and that was so good, I can’t. Believe how many people stopped and talked to me, wow people crying. I was humbled they’d chosen me to talk to. This Saturday I’m doing time to change in Cambridge with a friend, and I’m looking forward to that so much. I have been overdoing things these past few weeks,but if my volunteering can change one persons life, then that makes me happy.

I realise that, if you do what you can to the best of your ability, and if you do what’s. morally right, then me personally can have a better quality of life. I’m ok ATM earlier I wasn’t, but see I’m. Lucky as I have now got built In coping strategies. I will always have BPD, but I will manage it, not it control me as much as I can.

Thank you god for giving me the people I have in my life.

Maria

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About Maria

Me I'm a confused woman, who keeps making the same mistakes. Feel lost and broken.
This entry was posted in borderline personality disorder, classical music, remorse, vaginismus. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Latest instalment of Maria

  1. mandison2013 says:

    Hi Maria, thanks for sharing this. I haven’t been brave enough to write anything in my blog yet as am new to it all but am humbled you have let me into your world. I have BPD. I looked up the other condition on nhs website and there are it seems things that can be done to treat it. Well done for all you are achieving in your life and helping others with the volunteering. I hope to be well enough to do the same some day. xhugsx from Mandy 🙂

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